Sweet Dreams Molly Moo

We had a quick slide down and before we all knew it, we were saying goodbye to our beautiful Miss Moo.... We helped her cross on Friday evening...she was in my arms snuggled close to my heart and she went peacefully, released of her pain and confusion.

She came into our lives, reluctantly on our part on Aug 15, 2009.  We had a few beautiful months with her and Tink and then she helped us transition after Tink crossed the bridge.  She helped Ori learn all the things she needed to learn as a dog in our house beginning when Ori came to us in Jan '10.  And for just over a year we had "our girls" Ori and Molly.  Molly being top dog and reminding O from time to time.  Ori and Moo made a great pair.  Ori made a mess of whatever she was playing with and Molly ate the mess if we weren't fast enough.

We fell for Molly fast.  I used to tease Nick that she was Molly's boyfriend.  She was easy going and over the past year and a half learned to snuggle and love and be an important part of our little family. 

And in a blink of an eye, our time with her is up.  She had a beautiful retirement with us.  We couldn't have asked for anything more, but of course we always want just a little more time.  Just one more pain free day....  Another beautiful golden girl left her paw prints forever on our hearts.  I wouldn't trade our time for anything.  She was another gem, another reminder of the good gifts we are given.

Miss Moo run fast and free, free of pain.  Give Tinker my love; let her know I think of her every day.  Teach her how to sing and always remember how much we love you.

We will have 2 roses in memory of our beautiful girls.... their legacy's will live on in the work we will continue to do....

Molly Wigglesbottom: Born Aug 29, 1998.  Loved with us from Aug 15, 2009 to February 11, 2011 and beyond.  We will always remember you darling.

Memorial Rose # 2

Last Tuesday I went to a flowershop in Camp Hill on my way home and picked up a new memorial rose. It was more difficult than I thought it would be to buy a new rose for the sheer fact that it forced me to internalize that Tink has crossed the rainbow bridge. The rose while certainly beautiful, doesn't take the pain away that I feel. It was a fairly tight bud and slowly opened all week. It still looks beautiful and I expect it to continue to bloom for most of this week. A beautiful reminder of Tink's beautiful life.

These pictures span a few different points in the week. You will notice the different stages of bloom : )

Isn't she beautiful?

Good Grief

Tink's 3rd trip to OBX~ May 2009

I am fully aware that it is the evening and that my grief (and mental capacity) is worse in the evenings than during the days. However, I woke up this morning with a sort of grief realization and I hope that I can adequately express it. My grief up until this point has been more external: crying, visibly upset, hard to talk about the events, etc etc. The grief was very strong and very much on the surface of my being. Now as a little bit of time has passed (a lousy week and a half) the grief feels to be moving inwards. I feel it in the core of me. I can talk about the events of the past few weeks (albeit, somewhat detached at times), I still cry a bit in the evenings, but there is a deeper sadness inside me. I can run my sessions during the day, but there are periods where I can't make myself be quite as upbeat as I need to be. There are times when I feel apathetic towards much of life's activities. It sits in the center of me like an ache.

I know that this is normal and that in time, with some processing and more tears, this deepness will subside a bit and the rose colored tint to my glasses will return. The rose we are keeping in honor and memory of the life Tink lived is part of this process. Changing the picture regularly on our desktop to another adorable Tinker picture is part of the process. Adding Molly's dogbook page is a part of this process. Allowing myself to think about Tink and to imagine the softness of her little head, for me, is part of the process. Sewing a coat for Molly, continuing to cook yummy doggy meals, walking Molly, laughing at her antics and darling little face, they too are all part of this process.

I phase in and out of the denial phase too, which is fabulous by the way.... I miss her so much yet at the same time I can't quite make my heart realize that she isn't coming back. Sometimes I imagine that she is on a vacation (without me the little bum) and that she will return soon. Or I can trick myself into thinking that she is sleeping in the back and I wait for the little bump...bump...bump down the hallway to greet me when it's dinner time. Obviously neither of these scenarios are true.

Nick, Tink, and I have been blessed with some amazing friends. Patti from Woof! send me a beautiful card and I want to end this post with the poem and verse that she put in the card to us. It is as follows:

And If I go,
While you're still here...
Know that I live on,
Vibrating to a different measure
-Behind a veil you cannot see through.

You will not see me,
So you must have faith

I wait for the time when we can soar together again
-Both aware of each other

Until then,
Live your life to the fullest
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart...
I will be there.

~Author??

Psalm 34:18~ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted- He rescues those who are crushed in spirit.

Memorial Rose

A picture of the 2 snuggle bugs the last week they were both together....

As I mentioned earlier, Dr. Haver sent a beautiful rose in memory of Tink

I'll have to get better at taking pictures of flowers....

Honoring life and love

Thought it appropriate....

I picked up a new rose today for the kitchen table as the yellow one isn't celebrating life as much as it could be... We have a beautiful white rose for the week. Pictures to follow.

It's a New Day....

April 2006

I'm learning things I didn't expect to learn through this experience. I'm sure the learning is only beginning, but if I can keep an open mind and work through the pain rather than stuffing/ignoring it, I may become even more "whole" in the process. Nick and I have a phrase that we've said and done our best to live by which still holds true in this process: "Just because something is difficult doesn't mean it is to be avoided." If I'm called to do something, I don't want to avoid it because it is difficult. Often, life takes effort and work. Friendships and relationships take time and effort and sometimes pain and heartache. Are these things to be avoided? No, especially if we want to live authentic lives. It's the same with allowing these amazing creatures to infiltrate our hearts and lives. Is it seemingly unbearable when they cross the rainbow bridge? Undoubtedly yes, it is excruciatingly painful. But the time Tink was in our lives was an amazing period filled with hope and love, laughs and silliness, affection and a beautiful bond, all with a 13.5 lb lady boston who only saw with her heart. Amazing!

Aby & Tink April 2006

I hadn't realized all the different people who read these posts or who have been affected by the blog over the past 4 years. It's been encouraging to hear people say they've enjoyed reading it or it's funny or it helps them realize they're not alone with doggy conundrums. I had decided a long while ago that even if no one read my posts that I would still post and keep track of Tink's happenings. It's original purpose was to update the amazing Small Dog Staff in Atlanta GA on Tink's progress and to keep them in the loop about her progress and growth. At some point it moved from purely informational to a place where I can express my thoughts and ideas, then it became a tool to share information about rescue and our foster dogs and before I knew it, this blog in some ways has become a therapeutic device for me to express myself as it pertains to the canine lens of my life.

my gremlin girls, April 2006

I want to continue to blog about the day to day happenings of life here with the dog(s). I don't know if Tink's blog is the best place for that or not. Maybe a new "generic" blog might be nice that would accommodate any doggy situation that Nick and I may be blessed with would be best. Or maybe it is ok to continue in Tink's memory all of the things that happen over here?

Molly and I took a ride to pick up our CSA produce yesterday and as I was putting the ridiculous amount of food, green leafy good food in the fridge I heard this tearing sound. I turned around to see Moo crunching on a big piece of lettuce. She was so determined to try and eat it, and I just laughed. She looked up at me as if to say "now if you'd just feed me my dinner I wouldn't have to eat this rabbit food!" If the camera had been ready, I would have taken a picture to share! Before Monday, I wouldn't have thought twice about sharing that story. Now with Tink gone, I wonder, is it ok?

I have had the beautiful opportunity to speak with so many wonderful people who have given me their time, empathy and love. Last night, dear Shellie spent over an hour on the phone sharing beautiful memories of Tink and Jackie, crying, laughing, and in some ways healing all at the same time. Shellie really gets this whole experience, as hard as it is, she really gets it. If someone has had a "heart dog" they get it. It was a beautiful conversation and I am so grateful for her friendship and support during this time.

I feel like I could talk and process all this forever. But this is getting pretty long. My beautiful Tink has physically left my side, but she can never leave my heart. I will continue to cry and mourn the loss of my beautiful girl. I will also begin to experience more of the joy that her life has left both in my heart and in my soul, one step at a time.

My favorite picture of Tink & me
April 2006

We Miss You...

So here we are allowing ourselves to sit in the pain and grief. Allowing ourselves to experience the uncomfortableness in the hopes that over time the memories will provide more smiles than tears... in good time, however long that takes. The outpouring of thoughts, kind words, expressions of love has really been amazing. Nick and I have appreciated every comment and thought.

My mom and I were talking last night about how a dog with some special needs can leave so much more of an impact because we do so much more for them. I never really stopped to think about how every decision I made was somehow based with Tink's best interest in mind. Kristin and Spencer so graciously brought dinner and their friendship to our dinner table last night and every so often I would look over at the couch making sure her little head hadn't popped up and she didn't need anything. I can move a table chair and not worry about her bumping into it, yet I'm still so careful to keep the pathway clear.

Details and memories that we thought were lost in time instantly become fresh. The red towel I folded this morning was from the vet's office almost 2 years ago when she had surgery to remove some tumors. The way the kitchen counter is set up to have all Tink's feeding needs easily met, a small container of food, her supplements, and snacks all next to the toaster for easy access. The bottom row of CD's has been knocked over by her and we don't have the heart or desire to fix them...
The blankets so lovingly given to her from Patti and so many other kind friends over the years. The snuggle ball cover that we had kept after the bed had died had special significance to Nick. We deemed it appropriate that no other dog should use it and Molly and I brought it down to the dumpster for it's final good-bye. That bed was Tink's favorite and it helped her heal from the surgery 2 years ago...

Nick and I have another day together. We went to Dunkins in Mt Joy and with coffee and a bagel sandwich we reminisced and laughed and cried for over an hour. The house was strangely quiet when we came in, no barky dog in her crate to greet us. Her leash and harness and collar and her 50 different clothing options are all around the house. At some point I will create a scrap book of our darling Little One. I'll need some time, but it will be a beautiful creation and expression of all the love and joy that has been shared.

I think our posts will continue at least for a while. I know that some may be sad, but I'm hoping that some will be nostalgic and hit upon the beautiful memories that we shared. Nick and I were wandering through some older posts and it was so wonderful to read through all the great things that she did and we did together. We laughed that even though we said she wasn't going to sleep in bed with us, posts from as early as may 2006 indicate she was already climbing in bed with us!!! The pictures of her show such life and vitality and an energy. That's the Tinker we want to and will choose to remember.

I'm going to upload a short video clip of her from a few years ago that I don't think ever made it to the blog...

Sleep in Peace

Dearest Tinker, my little heart dog,

You came into my life at a point where I needed you most. With your spunky little high step, cuddly personality, and zest for love and life, you completed our little family instantaneously. You were my best friend in a new land and a new phase of life, often the only one I could confide in. We explored life together, from our little neighborhood to all along the east coast traveling and vacationing with our little family of 3. We took countless Sunday afternoon naps together, we baked and cooked for both you and me, you comforted me in ways no one else could.

Despite your unknown beginnings, you remained full of love and life. Despite your lack of physical vision, your heart saw things more clearly than most humans ever could. We learned how to care for each other, me cooking and getting the right supplements to care for your older body, spoiling you wonderfully with yummy snacks, warm clothes, and love and you always lent an ear, a warm snuggle, or a beautiful smile.

We knew that you would not live forever, but we would joke that we needed another 20 years with you. Your heart was so big, but your body could not keep going forever. You were such a fighter your whole life, never giving up. The most selfless thing we could do, was to help you through this last struggle. Your pain was undeserved after a life so full of love and purpose.

I will be forever grateful to you and all that you have given to me, most of all yourself. You taught me more than you will ever know. Your little life touched so many people in ways that neither of us will fully understand. While the tears still flow freely and neither your daddy nor I know how we will face tomorrow, I want to repeat over and over how much we love you and will always hold you close to our hearts. I never imagined how much you would transform and impact my life.

Your life and legacy will live on in the rescue work that we will continue to do. We will continue to foster in your memory so that others will receive the same joy and love that we received through you.

May flights of angels carry you to your final place of rest my Little One. Sleep in peace my darling Tink, you will always live on in our hearts and memories, your grace and dignity will live on, my little heart dog.

Loved since January 22, 2006

If it should be~ Poem

IF IT SHOULD BE

If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep
Then you must do what must be done
For this last battle can not be won.

You will be sad, I understand
Don't let your grief then stay your hand
For this day more than all the rest
Your love and friendship stands the test.

We've had so many happy years
What is to come can hold no fears.
Would you want me to suffer?
So when that time comes let me go.

Take me where my needs they'll tend
But stay with me until the end
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time that you will see
The kindness that you do for me
Although my tail it's last has waved
From pain and suffering I've been saved.

Do not grieve it must be you
Who must decide this thing to do.
We've been so close we two these years
Remember joy among your tears

Author Unknown