Remembering her Legacy

 

Memorial roses with her beautiful picture

Today marks 1 year that Tink crossed the rainbow bridge.  It seems to hard to believe that a whole year has passed.   Nick bought us roses much like we did for so many months after her passing as a reminder of her life and beauty.

 Up close and personal

I thought it was fitting to have the girls pose with the flowers.  Of course we had to bribe them with cookies so Ori would eat the roses...silly girl.

another pretty pic of the girls

After dinner, Nick and I looked through the scrapbook I'm working on and shared a good cry together...we remembered our drive to Atlanta, how much Tink hated the rain.  She would toss her pretty little head, and stamp her little feet until I gently toweled her off when we came inside.  How she loved to snuggle and loved her mommy more than her daddy (ok, so i had to bring that up, but still : )

While we were walking, Nick and I laughed with Ori and her zest for life.  We think that Tink would have hated Ori, but we think Tink would have been a lot like O when she was younger.  Which also means there might be hope for Crazy Ori to not be quite so crazy as she ages.   Tink was an amazing little girl...she wanted nothing here while as a part of our family.   We had the privilege of caring for her until her last day... she passed in my arms knowing she was loved.  I love you Tinker.

Memories

I woke up this morning with Tinker on my mind.  I drove to work and could feel her in my arms, my memory and senses heavy with the last time I held her.  I could feel her body pressed against me that day even after she crossed the bridge.  Still warm and full of the love that she gave to me every day we had together.  I tried to move my mind to a happy thought and I saw Charli walking through the Petco door with Tink in her arms.  I could feel Tink in my arms like the first time I held her everything so new and filled with life.  Charli handed her to me and I didn't let her go....  memories so vivid, forever etched in my mind and in my senses.  The first and the last...

Sometimes I think we did things backwards.  I was given my heart dog so early in life that now things will never be the same.  I guess things are never the same regardless.  In my effort to control the tears this morning, I thought of how God cares enough about me to send such a perfect little dog into my life when I needed her the most.  He demonstrated His love to me in so many tiny ways with the gift of Tinker.  And for that I am eternally grateful.

On our walk last night I was thinking about how different things are now.  When we first adopted Tink we were new doggy parents, everything so new, so particular and so important.  We had only 1, so precious and sweet and we doted and learned together.  We still dote and learn, but we're slightly more seasoned having several fosters come through and now our 2 beautiful heathens here (whom I love dearly).  I chuckled at the somewhat inaccurate but comforting thought that Tink taught me how to love so much that it takes 2 dogs instead of 1 for me to give all the love I have to give.  (This is while Ori is eating every plant she can get her mouth on and Moo is distracted by yet another fire hydrant : )

It's been over 8 months and while I don't think that time heals, I do think love heals.  It takes time to learn to love and to use the love I've been given differently.  I wouldn't trade these 2 girls in for anything, but my heart still aches over my Tink.  The sharpness surprised me this morning as the ache has been dull for a little while.  Grief is a lifelong process but fortunately for us, so is love.  No matter how it hurts, I will choose to love.

Cabin Flash backs

As I mentioned in a previous post, there were several moments at the cabin where I felt like I was watching Tink or hearing Tink again. When I took this photo of Molly, I thought of my darling Tink in the photo I posted below.

May '10

Both days were bright and beautifully sunny.  

Of course I couldn't go wrong with either subject....

labor day weekend '06

Beautiful Weather

The weather has been so beautiful these past 4 days!  It's been a little taste of spring with sunshine and temperatures in the 50s or 60s--  way too nice to spend all day inside.  It's been a wonderful opportunity to take Molly and Ori for longer walks and to go out and wander more often.  Nick and I realized that when Molly came to us in August we were no longer going for walks around Hickory with Tink since at that point she was walking around the apartments but not any further.  So this is really Molly's first weekend at longer walks which are fabulous for her back end.  Both Moo and Ori appear to be really enjoying the longer walks (and then the longer naps as a result!)  Ori is loving the opportunity to say "Hi" to every person she meets.  A little kid carrying a stuffed monkey came up to her this afternoon and she turned herself inside out trying to get to the monkey, even making her own monkey noises as a result!

Apparently yesterday when Nick came home, all three of them ran home from the dumpster.  Nick said that even Moo was at a full gallop!  I saw a little bit of her running foot loose and fancy free this afternoon in the warm weather and sunshine.   It makes me smile to see her happy and doing well.

Overall Molly is doing well.  She's developed this habit of joining us in bed on top of the covers in between Nick and me in the middle of the night.  She won't sleep on the side of the bed, it has to be right in the middle!  What is left of her coat is shiny and healthy looking.  Unfortunately she's still loosing hair on her back legs.  I can't seem to get her to gain any worthwhile weight and to add insult to injury, I was greeted with a blow out on the carpet in the living room this afternoon.  The first one in over 2 months, but man, what a mess to clean up!  I think we're going to be ok....clean up, vinegar, Borax, vacuum, steam clean, now baking soda then a final vacuum.  Hopefully that will do the trick.  Mid clean up, Ori decided to add her own peepee to the list of things to do!  In her defense, she was right by the front door she just didn't understand my "wait a minute" so I could get up and get my flip flops on!  Then while I'm steam cleaning, I turn around and O is chewing up the place mat that was under Molly's food and water bowl!  Oh my little monkey!

Ori is consistently going down the stairs but she is very opinionated about where she wants to go.  She's quick to put the brakes on but generally waiting her out, she eventually thinks it through and making a "sunny choice," going my way : )  We start obedience the first tuesday in April.  I'm excited as it's the first step in our formal training with O!  Her coat is beautiful and shiny.  I love her brindling and how perfect she looks when the sun shines on her.  Both girls did great in their baths on Saturday night.  Peanut butter on the tub is a great hit and help!  Ori continues to sit in the bathroom and watch Moo get her bath and dry, taking it all in!

March 5th came and almost went... I realized that afternoon that Tink had left us 5 months ago and the weight of that thought hit me pretty hard.  5 months...really? I'm attempting to grasp that length of time without her. We still have her little red hoodie with the rest of the girls' coats.  It hung there for her for so long that neither of us have been able to move it just yet.  It's currently in the wash, but I'm sure it will find its way back to the doggy coat rack.  Moo and O help us smile in so many ways and remind us of our little one every day.  It's good and wonderful, healing yet painful.  I look at Ori's smooshy little face while she is pressed tightly against me.  I listen to her snore and sigh and I feel my heart come alive in a way I didn't think it could again.  It's slight, but it's there.  I watch her roll on her back first thing in the morning and lay there "stuck" like another little one we had and I smile.  The thought of having Ori here for many years to come is exciting.  We didn't move into our little rancher with a fenced in back yard for Tink, but Lord willing, Ori will have her own place and fenced in yard to run around and play in one of these years. 

We've been blessed with some fabulous little doggies in our home.  I asked Nick last night: How do we get all the cute doggies?  His reply:  We keep 'em!

not so random musings...

Molly came into our lives last August 15 and for less than 2 months our little home felt complete with the 2 pups we had.  Even though I knew it took Tink many many months to really settle in, I didn't stop to consider that it might be the same for Moo as she fell into our routine with ease.  Unfortunately, Tink's health faded quickly after Molly arrived and much of my time and attention was spent caring, doting, and loving on my heart dog in every way possible.  After Tink crossed the rainbow bridge, we stuttered and stammered our way through the usual routines.  Molly did a fabulous job helping me smile, but often I still ended in tears.  Fortunately the strongest grief intensity cannot be maintained forever and we slowly but surely slipped into a new routine that included pieces of the old and familiar and pieces of the new as we continued to move forward.
Molly has been with us over 6 months already.  And in that time, we have been through much grief and excitement.  Molly's medical issues, while not cured, are for the most part under control and do not impede her day to day activities.  Nick and I laugh now, but it was no laughing matter waking up or walking through a mess of explosiveness.  The cushing's is real and while not quite as regulated as we would like, we continue to press forward working with her diet, supplements, and medications as much as we can.  She lets me roll her on her back, cradled like a baby while I rub oil into her tummy in hopes of helping her paper thin skin.  She has love in her eyes and seems to know that her best interest is in mind.
I love when the snuggly side of Molly comes out and she presses in close to me.  We share thoughts and secrets that can only be shared with a little golden girl such as she.  While not a fan of baths and nail clipping, she tolerates them both much better than when she first came here, knowing that she will be treated kindly and with lots of cookies (or peanut butter on the bathtub wall) for her cooperation.  She even lets me blow dry her thin little coat.  She has taught both Macy and now Ori the ropes of the house and how to be a fairly well behaved little BT in our home.  She does like to "yell" at me in the evening when she wants a cookie.  She stands there and looks at me with mischief in her eyes.  Then her tail and butt slowly begin to move and before I know it, we're both dancing in the kitchen to her yodeling tune.  I have a very hard time saying no to her in moments like that so, she continues to yodel at me in the evenings and before bed for an extra snack or 3.
Ori's presence oddly enough is creating a balance between play and sleep over here.  She actually arrived in our home 4 years after Tink did to the weekend.  She likes to shake things up and have fun, always on the hunt for a new adventure or snuggle opportunity.  She's a smart little girl and the more she learns the quicker she picks up the next new item.  Some days I still can't believe that we adopted her and that she is ours to keep.  Usually that excites me, but sometimes I feel sad knowing that we have Ori because Tinker is no longer here.  But because of Tinker, we are better equipped to love and care for both our girls.  There is still such a wide range of emotions inside of me... but again, each dog, especially one with a history like O, takes time to blossom and grow.  It also will take time over here for us to adjust as well, more emotionally than physically at this point.  Her smooshy little face and upbeat personality are just what the doctor ordered most days.
Ori and Moo are really quite the pair and we are so blessed to have them as part of our little family...

Having Fun

Ori has a zest and courage for life that Nick and I are beginning to think is "standard" in dogs with what most would consider a "limitation."  Every morning she wakes up excited for the new day and what new adventures lay ahead of her.  She explores with excitement and energy and I can't help but laugh and smile even when I lose a beloved 30 minutes of morning sleep as a result.

It wasn't too long ago that Ori couldn't jump up on the couch, climb stairs, or play for more than 5 min at a time.  We're not sure when exactly Ori turned in the energizer jumping bunny, but regardless she is there!  She propels herself onto our bed (sometimes landing on my head) and races Molly up the stairs.  She jumps into my lap and food plate on the couch without hesitation.  She does a better sliding stop and roll back than most reining horses!  She lands gracefully and knows when to "tuck and roll" rather than land on her 1 front paw if she needs to. 

She is so stinkin' cute!  her latest trick is crawling under the bed and "rescuing" stuffed animals.  She looks like she has won the lottery each time she emerges with a new one.  She snuggles in bed like she has her entire life and even does the "dead weight" act like Tink did when she doesn't want to be moved.

Molly is being a fabulous big sister and is teaching Ori all kinds of great how to act around the house moves....with only an occasional bad habit. : )  We've added some hamburger with some fat in it in hopes of adding some weight to her.  Nick and I both think it's beginning to show some positive improvement.  Not quite as bony.  We're taking it slowly, but hopefully in another 2 weeks or so our bony skinny minny will be a thing of the past.  She's acting pretty good, although we all tend to sleep better if Molly is crated as some nights she makes her way into our bed by 1am...and then pants and kicks getting comfy the rest of the night.  Ha, how we love you Moo!

Both girls are loving the new bone and hoof collection although like true sisters they only want the one the other has.  Some days become a never ending tag team of Molly chew, Ori chew, Molly chew, Ori chew.  Heaven forbid they chew a different item : )  But hey, it keeps them busy!

However, hands down, my favorite part of the day is in the evenings after dinner, clean up, walks, and everything else that happens around here.  Both girls jump up on the couch with me, usually 1 on each side.  Sometimes I am fortunate enough to get a real snuggly Moo and O and we snuggle in real close with their heads in my lap and I gently pet them all of us content.   Moments like that I feel that Tink is smiling and loving that Ori and Moo are here to help keep her Mommy smiling and loving each and every day.

4 years ago today....

Was the beginning of a magical journey....rest in peace little one.  Know your memory and love lives on in your family

Another Perfect Memorial Rose

My favorite flower shop to pick up a single rose is Hammaker's on Market Street in Camp Hill.  They have big beautiful roses with beautiful greens and baby's breath at the best price.  I tend to go on the Friday's before a big show and I get to pick from lots and lots of flowers.  It makes my heart smile just a little to buy a rose in honor of my beautiful little girl.

We're coming up on the anniversary weekend that we brought Tink home...I've been scrap booking our journey with her and there is something very therapeutic about this whole process.  I thought for sure I would be a blubbery mess, but instead I get lost in all the amazing memories and I'm too busy recreating them through my book to be upset.  While I'm scrap booking and in "the zone" it is easy to forget that it's Molly on the couch and not Tink.

I was sitting here on the couch with Molly this afternoon after I woke up from my comma of sleep. (of course I'm sick on my 3 day weekend...)  She had snuggled in to me and I was petting her as I often did with Tink.  And it suddenly dawned on me that this is how it is now.  That may not sound like a big epiphany, but for me it was.  I pour so much into my girl(s) whoever is here and it's still slowly dawning on me that now it is Molly.  January 15th marked Molly's 5th month with us.  She's still adjusting and adapting and becoming more and more comfortable with us.  She lived with another family for almost 11 years, of course it's going to take time for her to blossom here too.  I love these little old ladies so much.  I am so glad that we get to be a part of their lives and process...

Taking a Moment to Remember....

...her beautiful smile and all the life, love, and happiness she had and gave

 ....her tenacity and courage

...her patience with me

.....her love for soft things

...and the love that we shared

here's to a beautiful almost 4 years together and the legacy she left for the fosters and adopted dogs that come after her....

A Christmas Memorial Rose

A beautiful rose, for a beautiful memory.  My parents had this rose on our nightstand when we arrived on Wednesday.  It was perfect.  It's been opening over the past few days and it's been a nice reminder of all the beauty found in this season.

 

 

So much to say, so little time....

another cookie puh-lease?!?!?

I've been meaning to post about how wonderful it's been having Molly around. How cuddling and affectionate she's become. How she has integrated so beautifully into our little family. How she has changed and continues to change into a dog who not only receives love but gives love. I've been meaning to and want to and will continue to share all these beautiful little moments as they come and become our life.

How she loved her marrow bones....

My mind has been torn today though.

I had two online conversations today about my little Tink which had kinda set me into a tailspin and a time of deep thoughts and feelings. I've had 2 separate people share very different personal thoughts and feelings, yet both tracing back to Tink and the life she lived and the legacy she continues to leave. It's not that the conversations were bad, it's just they reminded me and have stirred up thoughts and emotions so deep and heavy that I have only realized today they have been set aside for some time.
My heart aches for her tonight and I could not sleep without putting a reminder out there for those of you with little heart dogs in your arms and laps tonight to please kiss them for me tonight, whisper in their ears, feel how soft their heads are on your cheek... love them extra tight.
And we will make sure Molly gets an extra dose of love and affection over here tonight as well knowing that the thought of her darling sister is never very far from my mind...

Happy Tails and Tink

Tink's story is being featured on Happy Tails website. It's still not too late to order a copy of any of the 5 breed books that are now in print. Thank you Kyla for thinking of us and Miss Tink.

We've had more good days than sad days, but it did hit us hard Friday evening sitting on the couch with the 2 girls we have now just thinking about how Tink would be snuggled up on the couch with us...

Rest in peace my darling Tinker. You and your love will never be forgotten.

M & M musings...

...or just my random thoughts about them. First of all, the names Molly and Macy are tongue twisters and I struggle to get the right M sound out at the right time. Second of all their marking are so similar and Macy is moving more quickly that now I can't tell them apart at a quick glance or when I don't have my contacts in. So I confuse the 2 of them all the time in all sorts of ways... it makes for an interesting time for sure : )

Both girls, we're learning, have a lousy sense of direction. We're not sure if it's monkey see monkey do or what, but man, those 2 could get lost in a small closet. What they lack in sense of direction though, they more than make up for in cuteness. I love that both of them are on the couch sprawled out together, sleeping away. Macy snores and it makes me smile (and sometimes cry). She crates up fabulously and is quiet as a church mouse.

We have a vet appt for Macy on Monday and hopefully we can get some minor issues cleared up and taken care of. She's been much more active these past 2 days or so. Walking with energy and continually moving on our walks and running around the house a little bit. Her tummy is starting to tuck in just a bit and I think she's going to trim down with some time. More time than I want, but I know I can't do this too fast. She's certainly not hungry though as she turns down some food options which Molly promptly takes of Macy's paws. She does seem a bit fussy, but I'm ok with that. She doesn't NEED the food for sure.

Molly is such a different type of dog...she reminds me of my Aby in some ways...she's aloof and does things on her own terms. But as a result, she misses out on a lot. She's funny and goofy and she helps us laugh. She's certainly not the brightest crayon in the box, but man she is a special little lady. I know this sounds bad, but at night, when we're going back to bed and all the lights are off, Molly bumps into the walls. The mean part is, I laugh every time.

I love that the 2 of them snuggle in the bed in the morning. We all made it to 7am today and rather than taking them out, I hoisted Macy up into bed and then we slept until 8...Macy under the comforter, Molly on top, and me without any comforter! Macy is so reluctant to get up in the morning...we have a lot in common in the sleep category! It's so hard to wake up when I have a BT who doesn't want to get up either.

Tink was so different from these 2 girls, yet in some ways I can feel parts of her in them. Sometimes it's a fleeting feeling and other times it stays just a while longer. I'm not sure how else to describe it. Sometimes it makes me smile and other times I cry. Molly looks so sad and pathetic when I bawl my eyes out. Macy looks sad too, but almost in a "I know how you feel" kinda way... Tink's legacy continues to live on in our house each day and I am very thankful for that.

Today Marks 1 month...

...on the passing of a beautiful little life.
I bought another yellow rose in honor of her this morning.

Sweet dreams my darling Tinker... you will always be in my heart

Sadness

My heart is sad for so much this evening, I don't know how to clearly articulate much of it. From the people I serve at work to the dogs and people I volunteer for and with... We have so many dogs that need to come into the rescue from a puppymill mama with medical conditions to older ones with little vision, to owner surrenders due to divorce...

I only work the home visit end of things and foster when we can (more on that soon....), but even this side of things has been extra busy, but not necessarily with approved homes. I wish potential adopters would stop and consider all the parts that go together in an all volunteer based rescue. This is a multi-pronged process including applications, reference checks, initial phone calls, home visits, matching the dog to the family, etc etc. Each volunteer works a paying job in addition to the volunteer job. I know that within the home visit side of things, I need to find a local volunteer who returns a phone call or email that is local to the applicant. If that person hasn't done a visit before, there is some training and information sharing on the process. The home visit volunteer is connected with the foster parent for any specific information they might be looking for at the home. This information gets relayed to the board and the foster dog coordinators as best as possible. It can be time consuming and take longer than any of us want it to take.

We had one app that came in and went from application to initial phone call to home visit set up in less than a week and yet that was too long for the family and they withdrew their app. Sigh, but we don't do what we do for applicants like that. We do this for the dogs and for the families that truly want them and are willing to wait a little bit if needed and put the time and energy into the dogs appropriately. Can you imagine an impatient person trying to work with a rescue dog who is trying to adjust (again) to a new home and living environment? Ikes...

My heart is sad for Tink tonight. I get these waves, not as often any more, but they wash over me and at times I can barely breathe at the thought that she is gone forever. The pain feels sharp and is suffocating, but usually just as quickly as it comes, it leaves. I wish like anything that she was snuggled up tight next to me tonight...I'd be rubbing her little velvety ears and smooch her soft little noggin'.

I wanted to get a new rose for her this evening, but was totally side tracked with rescue stuff... tomorrow morning. I want to go and find another beautiful reminder of the beautiful life that was lived. The same beautiful life that will live inside of my heart for as long as I live.

I wasn't this sad all day. I actually had a nice day at work today....nice sessions, time to do some paperwork and planning....Everything came to a point this evening and now I sit here and think which is so incredibly dangerous.

We'll make it through, just taking 1 step at a time (and towards the bedroom to go to sleep!!!)

Another Beautiful Memorial Rose

The roses sit on our kitchen table and I smile as I take time to stop, to look and to reflect. This is my latest rose. I love having it where I can see it in the dining room. Here's to life, love, and a beautiful legacy of an amazing little girl....

Rescue Me

Rescue Me

Rescue me not only with your hands but with your heart as well.
I will respond to you.
Rescue me not out of pity but out of love.
I will love you back.
Rescue me not with self-righteousness but with compassion.
I will learn what you teach.
Rescue me not because of my past but because of my future.
I will relax and enjoy.
Rescue me not simply to save me but to give me a new life.
I will appreciate your gift.
Rescue me not only with a firm hand but with tolerance and patience.
I will please you.
Rescue me not only because of who I am but who I'm to become.
I will grow and mature.
Rescue me not to revere yourself to others but because you want me.
I will never let you down.
Rescue me not with a hidden agenda but with a desire to teach me to trust.
I will be loyal and true.
Rescue me not to be chained or to fight but to be your companion.
I will stand by your side.
Rescue me not to replace one you've lost but to soothe your spirit.
I will cherish you.
Rescue me not to be your pet but to be your friend.
I will give you unconditional love.

~Author Unknown

She was so beautiful...

June 2007

It's only been 3 weeks. 3 weeks today. It feels like an eternity. I am able to go through the motions of the day, occasionally there is real joy or happiness and it feels good. Molly helps me smile with her goofy antics and with laid back but food driven personality. Evenings into sleepy time are tough. Sunday night into Monday has seemed so arduous and emotionally draining. I keep saying that I know this is normal and ok, but on some level I keep waiting for the grief to be over. That is just unrealistic. Our society doesn't like people to be sad. I had someone I knew today ask me how I was doing and I returned that question with another question: Do you want to hear 'fine' or the truth?




Nick and I were able to spend a large portion of the weekend together and it was wonderful. We went apple picking, grocery shopping, cleaned house, and had a beautiful dinner home and some great walks with Miss Moo. We found that Molly's neck is pretty close to Tink's and as a result most of Tink's collars fit Moo. It was bittersweet. I really love the idea of Moo wearing some of Tink's collars, particularly her Zoe's collection one. Tink had a few articles of clothing that were a bit on the big side for her and they too fit Molly. I laughed so hard at Molly wearing 1 of Tink's "dressier" light coats while walking down the street.




I went to look for Tink last night...Molly was lying on the floor chewing on a bone. And as I so often did when Tink wasn't on my lap, I got up to see if she was on her bed behind the couch. Old habits die hard. It's the same at bed time. It's very quiet at night. Tink was loudest when she was sleeping and both Nick and I came to depend on her snoring as a sign that all was right in our home. The stark quiet greets us every night. We did share a laugh last night when Molly brought 1 of her kongs back to bed with her. It stayed in bed with her all night. Goofy girl.

My Tink was so beautiful. She was my heart. She came into our family in such a "magical" and perfect way at a time when we needed her so. My heart aches all the more when I realize that this nightmare isn't a nightmare, but a reality. In the meantime, through this process, we just take it 1 moment at a time and do what we are able to do. She was so beautiful...

I'll close this post with a quote that Shellie shared with me and that resonates in my soul:

"Memory is a precious commodity, not to be tampered with, not to be rejected. We have to be glad of its existence, for it keeps alive those special people-- the moments, the places, the feelings."

~Lauren Bacall

Cody

Tink's legacy and impact on others will never cease to amaze me. I received a heart warming message from my cousin Sue this afternoon. She shared that she has followed Tink's blog just about from the beginning. While she never considered herself a "dog person" she loved reading about Tink's life and love and how great we were for each other. Tink's story has in some ways changed her heart towards dogs. Her husband Dave grew up with dogs and loves them very much, but until a few weeks ago, she was waiting until they were a bit more settled before getting a dog. When Tink passed 2 weeks ago, Sue began thinking: "I realized that if there was a dog out there waiting for a home who would be a good fit for me and Dave, I didn't want to make him wait any longer."

So yesterday they went and picked up Cody from a rescue in West Jersey. He's a lab/great dane mix puppy. He's around a year and is a goofy, leggy fun lovin' pup! They're fostering him with the intent to adopt him. Yay for rescue!!!

What a great story and a beautiful reminder of all the good that is in the world despite difficult times. God blessed us with almost 4 years with Miss Tink and now Sue and Dave will have many many years with their little horse, I mean dog, Cody : )