Nap Time

I took my first nap sans Tinker in years yesterday afternoon. It felt weird and took me longer than usual to actually fall asleep. She had been my cuddle girl for almost 4 years and filled the snuggler/nap friend that Nick has never been. For whatever reason, Nick can not nap. When Tinker entered the picture, that whole Sunday nap dilemma was solved : )

The first 3 weeks we had Tink, I had finished my internship but did not have a job. It was a fabulous 3 weeks of playing and exploring. She literally followed me around the house wherever I went. We explored the neighborhood with her in her little red winter hoodie. She sat on my lap and we posted on Woof! together. We traveled the county together in my car. And best of all, we took afternoon naps. We were at our old apartment in Lancaster and the sun shone in the bedroom mid afternoon. I was in the middle of reading the Chronicles of Narnia and Tink literally laid on my chest while I read until we both fell asleep. It was idyllic. I am actually smiling as I consider these beginnings...

Molly is currently staring at me with a sad little face...i'm not sure what she wants, but my educated guess is more food! Clearly her breakfast, licking my yogurt bowl, and a piece of hot dog is NOT enough! It appears that her belly truly is not a fan of chicken so I've had to come up with some other snacks for her. I decided hot dogs would be a tasty treat (in moderation of course.) I'm clicker training the food monkey and she's doing quite well. Of course we're just in the pairing phase and she loves to eat : )

I found Moo last night curled up on the 1 soft blanket that Tink laid on all last weekend and that hasn't been washed yet. Her little nose was pushed into the fabric. Whether or not she was actually missing Tink, I'll never know, but I took the opportunity to sit on the couch with her and talk about the little Princess and the things the 2 girls used to do together. Molly has been a delight and she continues to blossom even more now that she is an only.

Dr. Haver sent a beautiful yellow rose last Tuesday and it's still here on the table. I was initially upset when I saw it begin to fade but realized that I could buy another rose and another to commemorate the life of Tink for as long as I wanted. And considering that, made all the difference. So if you see a see rose on our dining room table, it is for our Tinker and the life that she lived. The rose will be a symbol of her life and the love that she gave rather than her death. And that thought gives me hope and strength.

It's a New Day....

April 2006

I'm learning things I didn't expect to learn through this experience. I'm sure the learning is only beginning, but if I can keep an open mind and work through the pain rather than stuffing/ignoring it, I may become even more "whole" in the process. Nick and I have a phrase that we've said and done our best to live by which still holds true in this process: "Just because something is difficult doesn't mean it is to be avoided." If I'm called to do something, I don't want to avoid it because it is difficult. Often, life takes effort and work. Friendships and relationships take time and effort and sometimes pain and heartache. Are these things to be avoided? No, especially if we want to live authentic lives. It's the same with allowing these amazing creatures to infiltrate our hearts and lives. Is it seemingly unbearable when they cross the rainbow bridge? Undoubtedly yes, it is excruciatingly painful. But the time Tink was in our lives was an amazing period filled with hope and love, laughs and silliness, affection and a beautiful bond, all with a 13.5 lb lady boston who only saw with her heart. Amazing!

Aby & Tink April 2006

I hadn't realized all the different people who read these posts or who have been affected by the blog over the past 4 years. It's been encouraging to hear people say they've enjoyed reading it or it's funny or it helps them realize they're not alone with doggy conundrums. I had decided a long while ago that even if no one read my posts that I would still post and keep track of Tink's happenings. It's original purpose was to update the amazing Small Dog Staff in Atlanta GA on Tink's progress and to keep them in the loop about her progress and growth. At some point it moved from purely informational to a place where I can express my thoughts and ideas, then it became a tool to share information about rescue and our foster dogs and before I knew it, this blog in some ways has become a therapeutic device for me to express myself as it pertains to the canine lens of my life.

my gremlin girls, April 2006

I want to continue to blog about the day to day happenings of life here with the dog(s). I don't know if Tink's blog is the best place for that or not. Maybe a new "generic" blog might be nice that would accommodate any doggy situation that Nick and I may be blessed with would be best. Or maybe it is ok to continue in Tink's memory all of the things that happen over here?

Molly and I took a ride to pick up our CSA produce yesterday and as I was putting the ridiculous amount of food, green leafy good food in the fridge I heard this tearing sound. I turned around to see Moo crunching on a big piece of lettuce. She was so determined to try and eat it, and I just laughed. She looked up at me as if to say "now if you'd just feed me my dinner I wouldn't have to eat this rabbit food!" If the camera had been ready, I would have taken a picture to share! Before Monday, I wouldn't have thought twice about sharing that story. Now with Tink gone, I wonder, is it ok?

I have had the beautiful opportunity to speak with so many wonderful people who have given me their time, empathy and love. Last night, dear Shellie spent over an hour on the phone sharing beautiful memories of Tink and Jackie, crying, laughing, and in some ways healing all at the same time. Shellie really gets this whole experience, as hard as it is, she really gets it. If someone has had a "heart dog" they get it. It was a beautiful conversation and I am so grateful for her friendship and support during this time.

I feel like I could talk and process all this forever. But this is getting pretty long. My beautiful Tink has physically left my side, but she can never leave my heart. I will continue to cry and mourn the loss of my beautiful girl. I will also begin to experience more of the joy that her life has left both in my heart and in my soul, one step at a time.

My favorite picture of Tink & me
April 2006

A Happy Memory.

If you listen closely you can hear her little snorts... I love her expression and her little ears. She was a fast little girl too!

We Miss You...

So here we are allowing ourselves to sit in the pain and grief. Allowing ourselves to experience the uncomfortableness in the hopes that over time the memories will provide more smiles than tears... in good time, however long that takes. The outpouring of thoughts, kind words, expressions of love has really been amazing. Nick and I have appreciated every comment and thought.

My mom and I were talking last night about how a dog with some special needs can leave so much more of an impact because we do so much more for them. I never really stopped to think about how every decision I made was somehow based with Tink's best interest in mind. Kristin and Spencer so graciously brought dinner and their friendship to our dinner table last night and every so often I would look over at the couch making sure her little head hadn't popped up and she didn't need anything. I can move a table chair and not worry about her bumping into it, yet I'm still so careful to keep the pathway clear.

Details and memories that we thought were lost in time instantly become fresh. The red towel I folded this morning was from the vet's office almost 2 years ago when she had surgery to remove some tumors. The way the kitchen counter is set up to have all Tink's feeding needs easily met, a small container of food, her supplements, and snacks all next to the toaster for easy access. The bottom row of CD's has been knocked over by her and we don't have the heart or desire to fix them...
The blankets so lovingly given to her from Patti and so many other kind friends over the years. The snuggle ball cover that we had kept after the bed had died had special significance to Nick. We deemed it appropriate that no other dog should use it and Molly and I brought it down to the dumpster for it's final good-bye. That bed was Tink's favorite and it helped her heal from the surgery 2 years ago...

Nick and I have another day together. We went to Dunkins in Mt Joy and with coffee and a bagel sandwich we reminisced and laughed and cried for over an hour. The house was strangely quiet when we came in, no barky dog in her crate to greet us. Her leash and harness and collar and her 50 different clothing options are all around the house. At some point I will create a scrap book of our darling Little One. I'll need some time, but it will be a beautiful creation and expression of all the love and joy that has been shared.

I think our posts will continue at least for a while. I know that some may be sad, but I'm hoping that some will be nostalgic and hit upon the beautiful memories that we shared. Nick and I were wandering through some older posts and it was so wonderful to read through all the great things that she did and we did together. We laughed that even though we said she wasn't going to sleep in bed with us, posts from as early as may 2006 indicate she was already climbing in bed with us!!! The pictures of her show such life and vitality and an energy. That's the Tinker we want to and will choose to remember.

I'm going to upload a short video clip of her from a few years ago that I don't think ever made it to the blog...

Sleep in Peace

Dearest Tinker, my little heart dog,

You came into my life at a point where I needed you most. With your spunky little high step, cuddly personality, and zest for love and life, you completed our little family instantaneously. You were my best friend in a new land and a new phase of life, often the only one I could confide in. We explored life together, from our little neighborhood to all along the east coast traveling and vacationing with our little family of 3. We took countless Sunday afternoon naps together, we baked and cooked for both you and me, you comforted me in ways no one else could.

Despite your unknown beginnings, you remained full of love and life. Despite your lack of physical vision, your heart saw things more clearly than most humans ever could. We learned how to care for each other, me cooking and getting the right supplements to care for your older body, spoiling you wonderfully with yummy snacks, warm clothes, and love and you always lent an ear, a warm snuggle, or a beautiful smile.

We knew that you would not live forever, but we would joke that we needed another 20 years with you. Your heart was so big, but your body could not keep going forever. You were such a fighter your whole life, never giving up. The most selfless thing we could do, was to help you through this last struggle. Your pain was undeserved after a life so full of love and purpose.

I will be forever grateful to you and all that you have given to me, most of all yourself. You taught me more than you will ever know. Your little life touched so many people in ways that neither of us will fully understand. While the tears still flow freely and neither your daddy nor I know how we will face tomorrow, I want to repeat over and over how much we love you and will always hold you close to our hearts. I never imagined how much you would transform and impact my life.

Your life and legacy will live on in the rescue work that we will continue to do. We will continue to foster in your memory so that others will receive the same joy and love that we received through you.

May flights of angels carry you to your final place of rest my Little One. Sleep in peace my darling Tink, you will always live on in our hearts and memories, your grace and dignity will live on, my little heart dog.

Loved since January 22, 2006

If it should be~ Poem

IF IT SHOULD BE

If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep
Then you must do what must be done
For this last battle can not be won.

You will be sad, I understand
Don't let your grief then stay your hand
For this day more than all the rest
Your love and friendship stands the test.

We've had so many happy years
What is to come can hold no fears.
Would you want me to suffer?
So when that time comes let me go.

Take me where my needs they'll tend
But stay with me until the end
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time that you will see
The kindness that you do for me
Although my tail it's last has waved
From pain and suffering I've been saved.

Do not grieve it must be you
Who must decide this thing to do.
We've been so close we two these years
Remember joy among your tears

Author Unknown

shades of gray

July, 2006

Every word, every phrase, every thought that I try to articulate comes out wrong or seems trite or shallow. Add to the mix that I'm not sure how much to say or if I really want to say it and this attempt at a post seems futile.

We have amazing friends. Nick went to the cabin with Moo and a few guys for the weekend since I had class all day yesterday. Matt and Amanda didn't hesitate to watch Tink for a good part of the day since class in VA makes for a very long day. Lindsay comes over the night before we have class so we can travel together. Jason came with her because he had a wedding in the area yesterday.

In the end Jason took fabulous care of Miss Tink in the morning and Matt came over to feed Tink and gave her an opportunity to stretch her legs in the evening. These 2 really went out of their way to help Tink be as comfortable as possible. I can't lie, things have been really rough for Tinker this past week. But for whatever reason last night when Matt took her out, she was feeling good. She ran around and around for 15 minutes according to him. He called to let me know how well she was doing, I believe "spunky" was a term he used. I believed him, but also kind of wrote him off at the same time... When I came home and took her out, she did the same thing he described for me too! She had control of her body, she was trotting around the yard, walked to the dumpster no problems, seemingly happy in fact. She seemed relaxed and pain free. It was truly a little miracle. We settled on the couch after wards and she laid there peacefully just like she had been doing for the past 3+ years...

Life gets complicated and things that I want to be black and white, stay a messy shade of gray. I am slowly being shown that there is not only 1 right and everything else is wrong in our day to day living. Sometimes there are many different rights or ways or shades in a process. Sometimes the only "right" is the one that is made, whatever that may be. Sometimes it doesn't matter what decision is made, it is still painful or hard to bear. I've been married over 4 years now, out on our own, working a steady job and being responsible, yet until this point I haven't felt like an "adult." The strength and stability that was given to me as a gift through Tinker is going through the fire being tested and refined even today. I'm praying for the strength to stand on the promises I've been given or to fall into the arms of grace...

April 2007

Enjoying the gift of today...

Tink apparently had a good morning. She didn't want to walk at 9:30, but at 10:30 she actually went around the apartments with Nick (We have some nice schedules around here some days ; ) She slept in her own bed ALL night last night...she hasn't done that in years! I did pick her up after my alarm went off this morning to snuggle instead of actually getting moving. Molly joined us and made me into a sandwich, Moo on one side and Miss Tink on the other : ) It's a miracle I made it out of the house on time this morning!

I got home this evenig to Tink circling continually in her crate. She continued to circle outside of her crate until I fed her... I found her standing 1/2 sitting 1/2 standing in the back with a slight shake in her body very shortly after dinner. She snuggled down on the couch with me for a little bit, then I walked miss Moo and came back to find her sitting on the couch again in a 1/2 sitting, 1/2 standing position. She walked down to the dumpster with me pretty well. I was going to have her go further, but my gut said to take her in. Each time I ignore my gut I get annoyed with the results so Miss Tink and I went inside.

Fortunately for Tink and Moo, I made up a new dinner entree for them when I arrived home this evening. I thought it might be a good idea for them to sample it while it was still nice and warm! This evening's tasting included venison, kale, nappa cabbage, celery, jasmine rice, eggs, and a bit of garlic for the girls dining pleasure : ) Both scarfed it down feverishly. I gotta give Tink credit, she's been eating like a champ! (it also was a convenient way to give Tink her piece of baby aspirin I forgot to put in her dinner.)

Once again, I think we're going to spend the evening snuggling on the couch... : ) My most amazing husband got us caught up on laundry and took care of the kitchen while he was home this morning. I'll get to do more baking as a result. A win-win situation, right? : )

Poor Molly is feeling a bit off with all that's been going on lately. She sat up on the couch this evening with us and put her little paw on my hand as if to say "hey, I'm here too!" Now don't get me wrong, she's been loved on, but I will say, she's definitely Nick's little lady : ) She's such a goofy girl, we'll have to post some of the goofy stuff she's been doing to keep us laughing over here!

Accentuate the Positive...

Tink walked to the dumpster and back this morning with some encouragement

Tink walked down the hallway quite confidently and proceeded to nest Molly's bed and take a cat nap in it while Nick showered

Tinker was barking her little head off when I arrived home this afternoon

She proceeded to do the Tinker dance and act all crazy excited because I was home and she was free.

She is currently resting in my lap and being the little love that she always is.


on some slightly less positive news, Tink's been tanking the water up like a mama camel
she's having a hard time regulating her body temp and as a result she's been panting a lot and drinking more water more frequently
Her back end continues to be weak, but she's still walking a bit more today
She's developing a weird sort of body twitch, not quite like a seizure, but seems to almost be in that family....

One day and one moment at a time. Thanks all that is expected and all we can ask for : )

Taking Each Day as a Gift....

Tink always has and still continues to be a fantastic little snuggler.

She is still eating well. The stand we created to lift her bowls up seems to help her balance.

She perks up at her peanut butter cookies and takes them gently from my hand.

She still lets me know when she needs something. Sometimes I just have to listen a little harder.

All in all, today has been a gift and I will treasure each moment.

Fun & Happy Happenings

• So last Friday before PMAD, I was giving Molly a bath (because she gets so stinky so quickly). I brought in some duck strips that both girls love for a yummy treat for Miss Moo, except I put it on the floor so I could easily reach it while I was bathing her. Do you see where this is going yet? Tink sniffed out the goods from the living room, came into the bathroom, major stealth mode, sniffed the duck strip out in 2.5 seconds. She snatched it up so quickly, turned around, and booked it out of the bathroom without a single bump! I just sat there on the edge of the tub laughing. Molly looked at me like "hey, that WAS mine!" Tink's still got it, that's for sure!

• Unfortunately for me (fortunately for the little ladies), Tink has taught Molly that each time they come in from a walk or potty break, they get a treat. So the only thing harder than ignoring Tinker when she wants a snack is ignoring Tink AND Molly when they want (and feel entitled) to a snack. So now the 2 of them stand in various places around the kitchen, Tink ringing her food bowl and Molly hopping on her back legs and wiggling her butt! Yes, they definitely have me trained....
  

• Molly has the cutest little butt wiggle and yodel when it's meal time or when she THINKS it's dinner time! She has also stopped waddling and is developing muscle and strength in her back end
  

• Tinker still walks up the stairs at least 2x's per day. Every once in a while, she initiates walking up and man is she a confident little lady!
  

Puppy Mill Awareness Day 2009

So PMAD 2009 arrived today!! Nick, Tink, Molly, and I arrived right around 9am to meet Jodi at the Intercourse Park. It wasn't until Joy arrived that we actually got the table set up and rolling! Tiff and Lilo were there too: Lilo was our BT kissing machine : ) Lara and Jill both made treats and they sold wonderfully! They were all human grade ingredients, so human members of the group decided to give the treats a try!

Kyla Duffy was also there, she is the author of the Happy Tails book series. Kyla was a treat to speak with and spend time with today! She was able to meet miss Tink who was in her book. She brought books and bumper stickers and allowed the group to keep all of the profits from those items! Kyla is an amazingly talented, yet totally down to earth kind of girl. The second book in the series, Golden Retrievers, with Labs, Daschunds, and Pitt Bulls coming soon! It's not too late to order your BT book or any one of the others. What a great way to support rescue, raise awareness, and get a great read! (bring your tissues!)

Here are a few pics from the day. Nick was the camera man and if feeling under the weather so he was fairly stationary for most of the day....

Lilo

Lilo looking pretty!

chit chatting!

The BT at the booth next to us : )

Molly's nose

Molly chillin' on the chair. So glad we brought the chair for you moo!
No, in all seriousness, Molly was AWESOME today!

Snoozin'.... she was easy going, laid back, polite. She slept for a good part of the day,
yet walked around with us like a complete angel when we needed her to be : )

Can you tell Nick loves this dog?!?

Lilo was borrowing Molly's blanket, so Molly was borrowing her bed : )

Lilo and Molly begging for food. Look at how good Moo's silhouette is!

The Frechie's were there again this year is large numbers,
but this little guy stole our hearts! He was such a character!

Look at those face and ears!!
What's not to love?!?!?

It was such a pleasure to meet and spend time with Joy, Lara, and Jill! And as usual, it was great to catch up with Tiff and Jodi! The weather was beautiful--perfect for being outside.
Victoria Stillwell spoke (it was cool to see her in person!), many many people marched in protest past some known mills. It was great to see how much this event has grown since last year! And on top of all the festivities, NEBTR successfully raised over $200!!! Go group!

Despite the lack of photographic evidence, Tink was indeed at this event. She was either in my arms or in my lap! If I wasn't careful, Joy was going to take her home! (She's in some Joy's pics, I'll post them when we get them!) What a fabulous day! Now all four of us are snuggled up in bed... Nick is sick and the pups are tired! Actually, i'm exhausted too, now that I think of it!

Time to Update! Molly gets sick...

So Thursday night we're ready for sleep and Tinker is nesting her bed, refusing to settle. Molly is chewing her big bone and not ready for sleep. Nick and I are exhausted from late nights and a busy week and we're ready to crash. We finally take the bone away from Molly and throw Tink into bed (and she immediately lays down and begins snoring. No word of a lie.)

I didn't realize this, but Molly never fully settled that night. And for good reason. She spent all night (every 1/2 to full hour) getting up and puking or going outside with rather ummm explosive diarrhea. She was limping earlier and had been a little off to begin with early in the day. All night from midnight to quarter til 5, Nick and I were up with the Moo Mama. Nick was really good with her, but he doesn't do puke, so I had to assist at certain points in the night!

We must have missed her trying to get us up or she didn't tell us, but she didn't get outside for a very important trip that should have been outside... instead it ended up under our dining room table. It was not such a pleasant surprise after a rather sleepless night... Every pertinent cleaning supply in our closet was no match for this level of disgusting. Our house reeked. And with that humid damp weather we were having, it wasn't moving!

To make things worse, Molly refused to eat anything on Thursday morning (not even a morsel!) which was a huge red flag for me. She just looked sick. She sacked out on the couch and couldn't even bring herself to get up and go outside. Obviously this was an immediate phonecall to the vet. Dr. Haver seemed to think it could have been a reaction to the Trilostane and instructed us to keep her off that for a few days. She was still drinking which was a really good sign and according to him, her not eating for the time being was a good sign too. We fasted her Thursday morning (obviously, she woudn't eat.) But by 10:30am, she was already perking up and acting hungry again. We gave her a tiny piece of turkey to see if she could hold it down, which she did and then gave her a fraction of her dinner in 2 separate sittings to see how she would do with that. And since then, she has been normal.

2 days later, she's back to her normal diet and is acting just fine. We haven't added the Trilostane back to her diet yet. (I was supposed to call Dr. Haver friday morning and I forgot...will call on Monday.) He shared that we would probably drop her dose to every other day for a while and see how that goes. So we'll give her a dose tomorrow morning and then skip Monday and see what he has to say then. If she does fine on every other day, then for sure, that's what I vote to do! She hasn't shown any signs of regression since she's been off the trilostane either, another good sign.

We decided Thursday evening that the spot needed to be steam cleaned. In fact, the carpet in general could use a good cleaning (we can thank Tink for much of that too...) We priced out the spot bots and other comparable spot cleaning machines, but in the end we decided to rent a rug doctor and get down to business. Friday was a beautiful evening spent vaccuming, moving furniture and cleaning our carpets. The end product is a beautiful clean carpet with no hint of sickness under our dining room table!

Molly's feeling better, our carpets look great, Nick and I slept very well thursday and friday night, all in all it could have been a lot worse!

Puppy Mill Awareness Day 2009

Puppy Mill Awareness Day is set to take place this coming Saturday at the intercourse park in intercourse PA. The day begins at 10am and is filled with speakers, lots of great rescues, a free vegan meal, and a time to raise awareness about the horrors of these mills.

Check out www.awarenessday.org for more information! Don't miss this event!

Little Molly Moo Moo

One of the songs we use to sing as a kid was "Little Bunny Foo Foo" (hoping through the forest, picking up the field mice and bopping on the head.) Well I've adapted the words for Miss Molly. I have a few variations, but i'll share the most common ones we sing:

Little Molly Moo Moo
is waddling through the forest
eating people's snack foods
and peeing on their lawns

or

Little Molly Moo Moo
waddling down the hall way
looking for a tasty treat
then snuggling on the couch


Moo or Moomoo has been established as Molly's nick name around here. It's fitting with her appetite, and it's fun to say : )

She has the worst sense of direction though. She gets turned around in the apt complex hallway and can't seem to remember which door is ours (even thought its the only one with a door mat.) We joke that Tink has a better sense of direction which isn't too far from the truth. Tink certainly knows which apartment building is ours and her way around things much better that Moo. It's funny cause we'll be holding the door open to come into the building and she is standing by a neighbor's door. So we laugh and say, "why don't we use this door Moo, it's open."

Molly share's Tink's affinity for warm and soft blankets. She has discovered my down comforter throw and she loves to lay on that on the couch. Since we've graduated to a 2 dog house, I think we're going to need a bigger couch. The love seat is perfect for 2 plus Tink, now with Molly, we get rather creative with seating options. And if Molly doesn't think there's enough room, she just sits there looking at us, until we move Tink or create some more space. Tink has been observed to use Molly's back as a head rest or snuggling up tight to fit us all in. Ha, realistically, we'll just sit nice and comfy with the 4 of us under some covers watching a movie : )

Molly's appetite seems to be stabilizing a little bit. She's been going out to pee and then without hesitation she joins the 3 of us in bed. This weekend we had a good 30 min to an hour both on sat and sunday morning with the 4 of us all cozy. I'm in heaven in the morning like that : )

Anyways, it's been fun yet fairly low key in our house with the 4 of us. Tink's doing pretty well with Molly and Molly is thriving here. Even her weight and shape looks so much better! Tink's back end was really weak this evening as I watched her try to nest or walk a bit. I'm not sure what's up with that but we will certainly be keeping an eye on her. She seems to walk fine in the morning and evening, but certain times after her evening walk, she can be a bit unsteady in the house. And she's certainly unsteady before she completely wakes up in the morning. Aside from that issue, Tink's been eating pretty well, walking well, and my little snuggle queen!

Oh our little doggie retirement home makes me smile!