shades of gray

July, 2006

Every word, every phrase, every thought that I try to articulate comes out wrong or seems trite or shallow. Add to the mix that I'm not sure how much to say or if I really want to say it and this attempt at a post seems futile.

We have amazing friends. Nick went to the cabin with Moo and a few guys for the weekend since I had class all day yesterday. Matt and Amanda didn't hesitate to watch Tink for a good part of the day since class in VA makes for a very long day. Lindsay comes over the night before we have class so we can travel together. Jason came with her because he had a wedding in the area yesterday.

In the end Jason took fabulous care of Miss Tink in the morning and Matt came over to feed Tink and gave her an opportunity to stretch her legs in the evening. These 2 really went out of their way to help Tink be as comfortable as possible. I can't lie, things have been really rough for Tinker this past week. But for whatever reason last night when Matt took her out, she was feeling good. She ran around and around for 15 minutes according to him. He called to let me know how well she was doing, I believe "spunky" was a term he used. I believed him, but also kind of wrote him off at the same time... When I came home and took her out, she did the same thing he described for me too! She had control of her body, she was trotting around the yard, walked to the dumpster no problems, seemingly happy in fact. She seemed relaxed and pain free. It was truly a little miracle. We settled on the couch after wards and she laid there peacefully just like she had been doing for the past 3+ years...

Life gets complicated and things that I want to be black and white, stay a messy shade of gray. I am slowly being shown that there is not only 1 right and everything else is wrong in our day to day living. Sometimes there are many different rights or ways or shades in a process. Sometimes the only "right" is the one that is made, whatever that may be. Sometimes it doesn't matter what decision is made, it is still painful or hard to bear. I've been married over 4 years now, out on our own, working a steady job and being responsible, yet until this point I haven't felt like an "adult." The strength and stability that was given to me as a gift through Tinker is going through the fire being tested and refined even today. I'm praying for the strength to stand on the promises I've been given or to fall into the arms of grace...

April 2007