Good Grief

Tink's 3rd trip to OBX~ May 2009

I am fully aware that it is the evening and that my grief (and mental capacity) is worse in the evenings than during the days. However, I woke up this morning with a sort of grief realization and I hope that I can adequately express it. My grief up until this point has been more external: crying, visibly upset, hard to talk about the events, etc etc. The grief was very strong and very much on the surface of my being. Now as a little bit of time has passed (a lousy week and a half) the grief feels to be moving inwards. I feel it in the core of me. I can talk about the events of the past few weeks (albeit, somewhat detached at times), I still cry a bit in the evenings, but there is a deeper sadness inside me. I can run my sessions during the day, but there are periods where I can't make myself be quite as upbeat as I need to be. There are times when I feel apathetic towards much of life's activities. It sits in the center of me like an ache.

I know that this is normal and that in time, with some processing and more tears, this deepness will subside a bit and the rose colored tint to my glasses will return. The rose we are keeping in honor and memory of the life Tink lived is part of this process. Changing the picture regularly on our desktop to another adorable Tinker picture is part of the process. Adding Molly's dogbook page is a part of this process. Allowing myself to think about Tink and to imagine the softness of her little head, for me, is part of the process. Sewing a coat for Molly, continuing to cook yummy doggy meals, walking Molly, laughing at her antics and darling little face, they too are all part of this process.

I phase in and out of the denial phase too, which is fabulous by the way.... I miss her so much yet at the same time I can't quite make my heart realize that she isn't coming back. Sometimes I imagine that she is on a vacation (without me the little bum) and that she will return soon. Or I can trick myself into thinking that she is sleeping in the back and I wait for the little bump...bump...bump down the hallway to greet me when it's dinner time. Obviously neither of these scenarios are true.

Nick, Tink, and I have been blessed with some amazing friends. Patti from Woof! send me a beautiful card and I want to end this post with the poem and verse that she put in the card to us. It is as follows:

And If I go,
While you're still here...
Know that I live on,
Vibrating to a different measure
-Behind a veil you cannot see through.

You will not see me,
So you must have faith

I wait for the time when we can soar together again
-Both aware of each other

Until then,
Live your life to the fullest
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart...
I will be there.

~Author??

Psalm 34:18~ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted- He rescues those who are crushed in spirit.