Ways Molly Makes Us Smile/Laugh

Molly doesn't like it when I cry. Unfortunately I've been crying a lot lately. When I do, she pins her little ears back and just sits there looking pathetic. When I come down to her level and talk to her, she jumps around and does everything she can to help me laugh and smile. Last night she was jumping around like a mexican jumping bean, right in between Nick and me as we were sitting on the floor facing each other.

Top ways Moo helps us laugh and smile:

• She drools and quivers when she REALLY wants whatever we're eating
• She's directionally challenged. She still goes to a door we don't live at at least once a day. When I open the right door, she's like "oh yeah, I knew that..."
• Her butt wiggle and yodel when she feels like she deserves food!
• Her goofy personality and expressions
  
• How she likes to lie behind blankets with her nose covered
• She plops herself in front of you, back to you, but touching you, waiting for some good rubbin' and love!
• She still occasionally waddles...
• And finally, for tonight, we never know what she is going to do or find around the house to amuse herself....

I had been hole punching a bunch of stuff for school and obviously didn't clean up every single last one... Molly was scrounging around for food as usual and when she looked up, this is what Nick found. Of course we had to take her picture before we removed her little pig nose! She's just a little early for Howloween, but what a great pig impersonation! Yeah, we definitely laughed over this one.....oh miss moo, or shall we say, miss piggy?

This is the way that Molly sleeps....

Moo likes to sleep with her nose covered. I found her on her bed a few nights ago and she looked so peaceful. Unfortunately her eyes seem to be demon-like in most pictures. She wasn't agitated, I assure you.

Perfectly content

Up Close

Sleepy...

I moved too close to the kitchen and this is who I found next to me.
Apparently the kong and bone weren't interesting enough

Molly has a vet appointment in the am to check out her ears and 2 bumps, 1 between her shoulder blades which is more nebulous and a little hard pea like bump on her right knee. Hopefully nothing major on either account. I'd still like to have them looked at, although the vet's office is the LAST place I want to go right now. (ok, maybe right behind going to my own dr's appt which i need to do as well....)

2 nights ago she jumped up into bed at 12:30 and stayed there the rest of the night. Neither Nick nor I were sleeping anyway and neither of us moved her...She wouldn't get out of bed to go pee that morning when I woke up early to go to work. Which just proves that if she doesn't have to go and she's comfy, she doesn't have to go!
This morning she jumped into bed at 7 and before I knew it, it was almost 8:30. She really had to pee at that point and she did jump right out of bed with a little whine to say "hurry up!"

Nick is currently attempting to teach her how to use the cookie ball... a great little girl but not the brightest crayon in the box. Let's just say I'm not sure she's ever going to consistently go to the door that leads to our apartment...

Miss Moo's Antics

There's no way around it: Miss Moo is such a good girl. She's goofy yet well behaved, entertaining yet not overbearing, and social yet not an energetic space cadet. She has continued to blossom herself and is earning more freedom. Nick and I have been throwing the idea of leaving her uncrated while we leave the house for a week or so. We decided to give it a go on Friday night while we were at barn bash with the 56ers. She was left alone for 5 hours (a bit longer than originally anticipated.) We came home and she hopped off the couch a happy little girl. Nothing disturbed or touched, no pee, just a happy Miss Moo.

So Sunday we did the same thing while we went to church. We closed the doors to the bedroom and bathroom, tucked the trash in the bathroom, gave her a tasty kong and off we went. Upon return, again, a house fully together and a happy Molly hopping off the couch to greet us.

We thought we might take this process a little slower than it's been going, but we tried a full work day to see how she would do. Perfect, beautiful, not an issue. Apparently she went to get her kong and then realized she really had to pee so she bolted to the door where she was promptly taken out. Looks like she may not need to be crated during her golden years here with us.

We made a spontaneous trip to Don and Twyla's in MD on saturday and of course Molly came with us. She was a really good girl and aside from trying to get all Maddie's bones into her possession she was a model citizen. We did keep a leash on her just in case she decided she didn't like Maddie, but by the end of the visit she was walking past Maddie without any hint of issue.

It's really tough having such a well behaved dog... : ) now if we could just keep her from pawing up at the dinner table. That is one behavior that I don't tolerate. But all in all, easy easy little lady : )

Memorial Rose # 2

Last Tuesday I went to a flowershop in Camp Hill on my way home and picked up a new memorial rose. It was more difficult than I thought it would be to buy a new rose for the sheer fact that it forced me to internalize that Tink has crossed the rainbow bridge. The rose while certainly beautiful, doesn't take the pain away that I feel. It was a fairly tight bud and slowly opened all week. It still looks beautiful and I expect it to continue to bloom for most of this week. A beautiful reminder of Tink's beautiful life.

These pictures span a few different points in the week. You will notice the different stages of bloom : )

Isn't she beautiful?

Cody

Tink's legacy and impact on others will never cease to amaze me. I received a heart warming message from my cousin Sue this afternoon. She shared that she has followed Tink's blog just about from the beginning. While she never considered herself a "dog person" she loved reading about Tink's life and love and how great we were for each other. Tink's story has in some ways changed her heart towards dogs. Her husband Dave grew up with dogs and loves them very much, but until a few weeks ago, she was waiting until they were a bit more settled before getting a dog. When Tink passed 2 weeks ago, Sue began thinking: "I realized that if there was a dog out there waiting for a home who would be a good fit for me and Dave, I didn't want to make him wait any longer."

So yesterday they went and picked up Cody from a rescue in West Jersey. He's a lab/great dane mix puppy. He's around a year and is a goofy, leggy fun lovin' pup! They're fostering him with the intent to adopt him. Yay for rescue!!!

What a great story and a beautiful reminder of all the good that is in the world despite difficult times. God blessed us with almost 4 years with Miss Tink and now Sue and Dave will have many many years with their little horse, I mean dog, Cody : )

Good Grief

Tink's 3rd trip to OBX~ May 2009

I am fully aware that it is the evening and that my grief (and mental capacity) is worse in the evenings than during the days. However, I woke up this morning with a sort of grief realization and I hope that I can adequately express it. My grief up until this point has been more external: crying, visibly upset, hard to talk about the events, etc etc. The grief was very strong and very much on the surface of my being. Now as a little bit of time has passed (a lousy week and a half) the grief feels to be moving inwards. I feel it in the core of me. I can talk about the events of the past few weeks (albeit, somewhat detached at times), I still cry a bit in the evenings, but there is a deeper sadness inside me. I can run my sessions during the day, but there are periods where I can't make myself be quite as upbeat as I need to be. There are times when I feel apathetic towards much of life's activities. It sits in the center of me like an ache.

I know that this is normal and that in time, with some processing and more tears, this deepness will subside a bit and the rose colored tint to my glasses will return. The rose we are keeping in honor and memory of the life Tink lived is part of this process. Changing the picture regularly on our desktop to another adorable Tinker picture is part of the process. Adding Molly's dogbook page is a part of this process. Allowing myself to think about Tink and to imagine the softness of her little head, for me, is part of the process. Sewing a coat for Molly, continuing to cook yummy doggy meals, walking Molly, laughing at her antics and darling little face, they too are all part of this process.

I phase in and out of the denial phase too, which is fabulous by the way.... I miss her so much yet at the same time I can't quite make my heart realize that she isn't coming back. Sometimes I imagine that she is on a vacation (without me the little bum) and that she will return soon. Or I can trick myself into thinking that she is sleeping in the back and I wait for the little bump...bump...bump down the hallway to greet me when it's dinner time. Obviously neither of these scenarios are true.

Nick, Tink, and I have been blessed with some amazing friends. Patti from Woof! send me a beautiful card and I want to end this post with the poem and verse that she put in the card to us. It is as follows:

And If I go,
While you're still here...
Know that I live on,
Vibrating to a different measure
-Behind a veil you cannot see through.

You will not see me,
So you must have faith

I wait for the time when we can soar together again
-Both aware of each other

Until then,
Live your life to the fullest
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart...
I will be there.

~Author??

Psalm 34:18~ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted- He rescues those who are crushed in spirit.

Molly's New Coat

I took it as a good sign when I felt like sewing a coat for Molly yesterday. Tink wouldn't like the thought of her sister being cold (yeah right!) so I went to Joann's and got a screamin' deal on some remnant fleece. I couldn't see Molly in pink, so we went the teal and purple route. The colors in the pictures aren't true to the actual colors, but close enough. I'm pretty proud of this coat. Pattern to completed project in less than 3 hrs! I didn't destroy the pattern either, so I can make another one without harassing Moo as much! Much improvement over the very first coat I made Miss Tink.

Molly is less than thrilled about wearing a coat.
I hope she feels differently when its 20 F!

I couldn't resist her little bum bum shot : )

Molly also doesn't like the camera!

I like a wide belly band to cover as much of her tummy as possible

Not too bad!

I was comparing Tink's coat I made her 2 years ago and I can't believe how little my peanut was. The coat in that blog posting actually went to Aby and I made Tink one that fit her even better that year. In memory of Tink, we're going to put her Tinkerbell light that Shellie gave us on Moo's coat so we always have her when with us when we're walking...at least in the winter.

Memorial Rose

A picture of the 2 snuggle bugs the last week they were both together....

As I mentioned earlier, Dr. Haver sent a beautiful rose in memory of Tink

I'll have to get better at taking pictures of flowers....

Honoring life and love

Thought it appropriate....

I picked up a new rose today for the kitchen table as the yellow one isn't celebrating life as much as it could be... We have a beautiful white rose for the week. Pictures to follow.

Nap Time

I took my first nap sans Tinker in years yesterday afternoon. It felt weird and took me longer than usual to actually fall asleep. She had been my cuddle girl for almost 4 years and filled the snuggler/nap friend that Nick has never been. For whatever reason, Nick can not nap. When Tinker entered the picture, that whole Sunday nap dilemma was solved : )

The first 3 weeks we had Tink, I had finished my internship but did not have a job. It was a fabulous 3 weeks of playing and exploring. She literally followed me around the house wherever I went. We explored the neighborhood with her in her little red winter hoodie. She sat on my lap and we posted on Woof! together. We traveled the county together in my car. And best of all, we took afternoon naps. We were at our old apartment in Lancaster and the sun shone in the bedroom mid afternoon. I was in the middle of reading the Chronicles of Narnia and Tink literally laid on my chest while I read until we both fell asleep. It was idyllic. I am actually smiling as I consider these beginnings...

Molly is currently staring at me with a sad little face...i'm not sure what she wants, but my educated guess is more food! Clearly her breakfast, licking my yogurt bowl, and a piece of hot dog is NOT enough! It appears that her belly truly is not a fan of chicken so I've had to come up with some other snacks for her. I decided hot dogs would be a tasty treat (in moderation of course.) I'm clicker training the food monkey and she's doing quite well. Of course we're just in the pairing phase and she loves to eat : )

I found Moo last night curled up on the 1 soft blanket that Tink laid on all last weekend and that hasn't been washed yet. Her little nose was pushed into the fabric. Whether or not she was actually missing Tink, I'll never know, but I took the opportunity to sit on the couch with her and talk about the little Princess and the things the 2 girls used to do together. Molly has been a delight and she continues to blossom even more now that she is an only.

Dr. Haver sent a beautiful yellow rose last Tuesday and it's still here on the table. I was initially upset when I saw it begin to fade but realized that I could buy another rose and another to commemorate the life of Tink for as long as I wanted. And considering that, made all the difference. So if you see a see rose on our dining room table, it is for our Tinker and the life that she lived. The rose will be a symbol of her life and the love that she gave rather than her death. And that thought gives me hope and strength.

It's a New Day....

April 2006

I'm learning things I didn't expect to learn through this experience. I'm sure the learning is only beginning, but if I can keep an open mind and work through the pain rather than stuffing/ignoring it, I may become even more "whole" in the process. Nick and I have a phrase that we've said and done our best to live by which still holds true in this process: "Just because something is difficult doesn't mean it is to be avoided." If I'm called to do something, I don't want to avoid it because it is difficult. Often, life takes effort and work. Friendships and relationships take time and effort and sometimes pain and heartache. Are these things to be avoided? No, especially if we want to live authentic lives. It's the same with allowing these amazing creatures to infiltrate our hearts and lives. Is it seemingly unbearable when they cross the rainbow bridge? Undoubtedly yes, it is excruciatingly painful. But the time Tink was in our lives was an amazing period filled with hope and love, laughs and silliness, affection and a beautiful bond, all with a 13.5 lb lady boston who only saw with her heart. Amazing!

Aby & Tink April 2006

I hadn't realized all the different people who read these posts or who have been affected by the blog over the past 4 years. It's been encouraging to hear people say they've enjoyed reading it or it's funny or it helps them realize they're not alone with doggy conundrums. I had decided a long while ago that even if no one read my posts that I would still post and keep track of Tink's happenings. It's original purpose was to update the amazing Small Dog Staff in Atlanta GA on Tink's progress and to keep them in the loop about her progress and growth. At some point it moved from purely informational to a place where I can express my thoughts and ideas, then it became a tool to share information about rescue and our foster dogs and before I knew it, this blog in some ways has become a therapeutic device for me to express myself as it pertains to the canine lens of my life.

my gremlin girls, April 2006

I want to continue to blog about the day to day happenings of life here with the dog(s). I don't know if Tink's blog is the best place for that or not. Maybe a new "generic" blog might be nice that would accommodate any doggy situation that Nick and I may be blessed with would be best. Or maybe it is ok to continue in Tink's memory all of the things that happen over here?

Molly and I took a ride to pick up our CSA produce yesterday and as I was putting the ridiculous amount of food, green leafy good food in the fridge I heard this tearing sound. I turned around to see Moo crunching on a big piece of lettuce. She was so determined to try and eat it, and I just laughed. She looked up at me as if to say "now if you'd just feed me my dinner I wouldn't have to eat this rabbit food!" If the camera had been ready, I would have taken a picture to share! Before Monday, I wouldn't have thought twice about sharing that story. Now with Tink gone, I wonder, is it ok?

I have had the beautiful opportunity to speak with so many wonderful people who have given me their time, empathy and love. Last night, dear Shellie spent over an hour on the phone sharing beautiful memories of Tink and Jackie, crying, laughing, and in some ways healing all at the same time. Shellie really gets this whole experience, as hard as it is, she really gets it. If someone has had a "heart dog" they get it. It was a beautiful conversation and I am so grateful for her friendship and support during this time.

I feel like I could talk and process all this forever. But this is getting pretty long. My beautiful Tink has physically left my side, but she can never leave my heart. I will continue to cry and mourn the loss of my beautiful girl. I will also begin to experience more of the joy that her life has left both in my heart and in my soul, one step at a time.

My favorite picture of Tink & me
April 2006

A Happy Memory.

If you listen closely you can hear her little snorts... I love her expression and her little ears. She was a fast little girl too!

We Miss You...

So here we are allowing ourselves to sit in the pain and grief. Allowing ourselves to experience the uncomfortableness in the hopes that over time the memories will provide more smiles than tears... in good time, however long that takes. The outpouring of thoughts, kind words, expressions of love has really been amazing. Nick and I have appreciated every comment and thought.

My mom and I were talking last night about how a dog with some special needs can leave so much more of an impact because we do so much more for them. I never really stopped to think about how every decision I made was somehow based with Tink's best interest in mind. Kristin and Spencer so graciously brought dinner and their friendship to our dinner table last night and every so often I would look over at the couch making sure her little head hadn't popped up and she didn't need anything. I can move a table chair and not worry about her bumping into it, yet I'm still so careful to keep the pathway clear.

Details and memories that we thought were lost in time instantly become fresh. The red towel I folded this morning was from the vet's office almost 2 years ago when she had surgery to remove some tumors. The way the kitchen counter is set up to have all Tink's feeding needs easily met, a small container of food, her supplements, and snacks all next to the toaster for easy access. The bottom row of CD's has been knocked over by her and we don't have the heart or desire to fix them...
The blankets so lovingly given to her from Patti and so many other kind friends over the years. The snuggle ball cover that we had kept after the bed had died had special significance to Nick. We deemed it appropriate that no other dog should use it and Molly and I brought it down to the dumpster for it's final good-bye. That bed was Tink's favorite and it helped her heal from the surgery 2 years ago...

Nick and I have another day together. We went to Dunkins in Mt Joy and with coffee and a bagel sandwich we reminisced and laughed and cried for over an hour. The house was strangely quiet when we came in, no barky dog in her crate to greet us. Her leash and harness and collar and her 50 different clothing options are all around the house. At some point I will create a scrap book of our darling Little One. I'll need some time, but it will be a beautiful creation and expression of all the love and joy that has been shared.

I think our posts will continue at least for a while. I know that some may be sad, but I'm hoping that some will be nostalgic and hit upon the beautiful memories that we shared. Nick and I were wandering through some older posts and it was so wonderful to read through all the great things that she did and we did together. We laughed that even though we said she wasn't going to sleep in bed with us, posts from as early as may 2006 indicate she was already climbing in bed with us!!! The pictures of her show such life and vitality and an energy. That's the Tinker we want to and will choose to remember.

I'm going to upload a short video clip of her from a few years ago that I don't think ever made it to the blog...

Sleep in Peace

Dearest Tinker, my little heart dog,

You came into my life at a point where I needed you most. With your spunky little high step, cuddly personality, and zest for love and life, you completed our little family instantaneously. You were my best friend in a new land and a new phase of life, often the only one I could confide in. We explored life together, from our little neighborhood to all along the east coast traveling and vacationing with our little family of 3. We took countless Sunday afternoon naps together, we baked and cooked for both you and me, you comforted me in ways no one else could.

Despite your unknown beginnings, you remained full of love and life. Despite your lack of physical vision, your heart saw things more clearly than most humans ever could. We learned how to care for each other, me cooking and getting the right supplements to care for your older body, spoiling you wonderfully with yummy snacks, warm clothes, and love and you always lent an ear, a warm snuggle, or a beautiful smile.

We knew that you would not live forever, but we would joke that we needed another 20 years with you. Your heart was so big, but your body could not keep going forever. You were such a fighter your whole life, never giving up. The most selfless thing we could do, was to help you through this last struggle. Your pain was undeserved after a life so full of love and purpose.

I will be forever grateful to you and all that you have given to me, most of all yourself. You taught me more than you will ever know. Your little life touched so many people in ways that neither of us will fully understand. While the tears still flow freely and neither your daddy nor I know how we will face tomorrow, I want to repeat over and over how much we love you and will always hold you close to our hearts. I never imagined how much you would transform and impact my life.

Your life and legacy will live on in the rescue work that we will continue to do. We will continue to foster in your memory so that others will receive the same joy and love that we received through you.

May flights of angels carry you to your final place of rest my Little One. Sleep in peace my darling Tink, you will always live on in our hearts and memories, your grace and dignity will live on, my little heart dog.

Loved since January 22, 2006

If it should be~ Poem

IF IT SHOULD BE

If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep
Then you must do what must be done
For this last battle can not be won.

You will be sad, I understand
Don't let your grief then stay your hand
For this day more than all the rest
Your love and friendship stands the test.

We've had so many happy years
What is to come can hold no fears.
Would you want me to suffer?
So when that time comes let me go.

Take me where my needs they'll tend
But stay with me until the end
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time that you will see
The kindness that you do for me
Although my tail it's last has waved
From pain and suffering I've been saved.

Do not grieve it must be you
Who must decide this thing to do.
We've been so close we two these years
Remember joy among your tears

Author Unknown

shades of gray

July, 2006

Every word, every phrase, every thought that I try to articulate comes out wrong or seems trite or shallow. Add to the mix that I'm not sure how much to say or if I really want to say it and this attempt at a post seems futile.

We have amazing friends. Nick went to the cabin with Moo and a few guys for the weekend since I had class all day yesterday. Matt and Amanda didn't hesitate to watch Tink for a good part of the day since class in VA makes for a very long day. Lindsay comes over the night before we have class so we can travel together. Jason came with her because he had a wedding in the area yesterday.

In the end Jason took fabulous care of Miss Tink in the morning and Matt came over to feed Tink and gave her an opportunity to stretch her legs in the evening. These 2 really went out of their way to help Tink be as comfortable as possible. I can't lie, things have been really rough for Tinker this past week. But for whatever reason last night when Matt took her out, she was feeling good. She ran around and around for 15 minutes according to him. He called to let me know how well she was doing, I believe "spunky" was a term he used. I believed him, but also kind of wrote him off at the same time... When I came home and took her out, she did the same thing he described for me too! She had control of her body, she was trotting around the yard, walked to the dumpster no problems, seemingly happy in fact. She seemed relaxed and pain free. It was truly a little miracle. We settled on the couch after wards and she laid there peacefully just like she had been doing for the past 3+ years...

Life gets complicated and things that I want to be black and white, stay a messy shade of gray. I am slowly being shown that there is not only 1 right and everything else is wrong in our day to day living. Sometimes there are many different rights or ways or shades in a process. Sometimes the only "right" is the one that is made, whatever that may be. Sometimes it doesn't matter what decision is made, it is still painful or hard to bear. I've been married over 4 years now, out on our own, working a steady job and being responsible, yet until this point I haven't felt like an "adult." The strength and stability that was given to me as a gift through Tinker is going through the fire being tested and refined even today. I'm praying for the strength to stand on the promises I've been given or to fall into the arms of grace...

April 2007